Battling Control

Hey friends, I wanted to take a few moments to get real with you all. I struggle daily with control, so much so that it affects my sleep, my cortisol levels, and my health. Can you relate?

Last year, I was overwhelmed by my cochlear surgeries, going back to teach in-person again, and my ninety minute commute to and from work. My body buzzed with an incessant electricity that I had something important to do, and my anxiety was through the roof. I walked around with a sense of urgency that didn’t make sense, even on the days I was relaxing at home. I felt like I was missing something, and I carried this feel of utter helplessness around with me like an umbrella ready to catch the rain as it fell.

This led to me writing a 40-day devotional about my experiences with control, anxiety, and depression. Each day, I showed up at work, and I wrote about what was weighing me down, and I felt this unraveling of my spirit, but in a good way. God met me each morning, and He helped me see the areas in my life that I was carrying far too much baggage and what I needed to release to him. Spoiler alert, it was pretty much everything.

I’m not going to say that writing this devotional solved all of my issues with control, but it did help me recognize what I had been burying for far too long, specifically resentment, bitterness, and the fears that I will never be enough. Though I continue to battle with control, I am in a better place, because I know I can bring each anxiety to God. He meets me in my messes, and reminds me that I don’t have to have everything solved right now. In fact, that’s not really living. It’s barely existing.

If you are struggling with similar feelings, let me know how I can pray for you. You don’t have to go through this alone, friend. Please allow me to walk alongside you as you struggle with your own battles with control.